Fennel's Top-Ten Grotesque Slubberdegullions of 2006
10. When assessing the slutful antics of Ms. Paris Hilton, Ms. Britney Spears, and Ms. Lindsay Lohan (a 3-way tie for the "Number Ten"? spot), one need not resort to vicious name-calling or opprobrious epithets. One need only pick up a copy of the National Enquirer. Bottom-line: Their disagreeable, licentious buffoonery is a cancer that gnaws away at our national psyche. No joke.
9. Mayor Rudolph Giuliani's rantings are more than just dictatorial. They're a revolt against nature. He has allied himself with the devil and serves him faithfully. But that's not the end of the story. My goal is to expand people's understanding of his depraved RINO-isms. I might not be successful at achieving that goal, but I undoubtedly do have to try. To be sure, Mayor Giuliani's taradiddles are a gangrenous putrefaction that serve only to diminish God's Own Party, tainted by his pathetic form of Neo-Clintonism. We must not allow the White House to fall into the hands of a thrice-married, uncouth, uncivilized, speghetti-twirling Mafioso.
8. Ms. Judith Regan is unprincipled, scabrous, and unchaste. When confronted, she waves the "I'm a Victim Too"? card to explain-away her executive involvement in the debauched-and-depraved O.J. fiasco. Of course, Ms. Regan is too selfish and thick-headed to apologize for her unprincipled transgressions. Moreover, this isn't the first time she's attempted to use lethal violence, and lasciviously lecherous events as sources of entertainment for vexatious child-buggerers, and other individuals of similar psychological type.
7. While Ex-Rep. Mark Foley would have liked us to believe that a United States congressman is exempt from pedophilic meanderings, he somehow failed to mention that every morning he would look in the mirror, smile and ask himself, "How many young male pages will I seduce today?". He also failed to mention to his constituency that, prior to running for congress, he was a registered Democrat, but believed it would be easier to hide his felonious deviancy in the glorious bosom of God's Own Pary. So much for Ex-Rep. Foley's credibility! Not only is he deceitful, he is more wretched than any envisaged, hellbound atheist could ever be.
6. The news that Rev. Ted Haggard was, in actuality, just a hellbound homosexualist "hiding behind the cloth" was only minor setback in the True Christians agenda. However, it burns me to think about how Rev. Haggard, along with his friend Satan, must have gotten quite a demonic laugh about this, both of them knowing full-well that only perfidious heretics will preach one thing, and practice another. And that's the primary reason why Rev. Haggard is an extraordinarily brazen, faux Christian. We'd all be much better off if he'd convert to some ungodly sect (eg. LDS).
5. Although Mr. Keith Olbermann wants nothing less than to pulverize the Bush administration, he will go so far as to insist that black is white and wrong is right. Does he really believe that his viewers are mindless, avaricious morons? Mr. Olbermann's pronouncements present us with a riddle: What exactly is his agenda? Don't let Mr. Olbermann delude you into thinking that he is anything more than a "Talking Head" set precariously above an "Empty Suit."?
4. Mark my words: As Speaker of the House, Rep. Nancy Pelosi is going to introduce unpalatable changes upon Right-Thinking Americans without first testing said changes faster than you can say "anthropogeographical". Is she out of her shallow mind? The answer is fairly obvious when you consider that she is not only a Democrat, but she is a anti-family-values San Francisco Democrat. Consequently, if you think you can escape from Rep. Pelosi's raucous liberal convictions, then good-bye and good luck.
3. Sen. Barack Obama, allow me to introduce myself: I am a victim of terrorists. In fact, all patriotic Americans are the victims of bloodthirsty, fanatical, ragheads. As a note of explanation, Dear Victim of Terrorism, you should know that not only does Obama rhyme with Osama, the junior-senator-from-Illinois's middle name is Hussein. Personally, I have had enough with swarthy individuals whose monikers carry the evil name "Hussein," in one form or another. And this particular swarthy individual aspires to the Presidency of our Beloved Christian Nation. Does Sen. Obama really believe that patriotic, Christian Americans are going to fall for his camel-and-pony show? What is this man smoking?
2. Apparently, Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton believes that a large number of voters actually believe her wrong-headed, faux-centrist claptrap. Of course, it goes without saying that her lesbianism represents an indelibly imprimatur form of feminist radicalism that is fundamentally, pervasively, and inescapably amoral. But the problems with her antics don't end there. Sen. Clinton openly alleges that she sleeps with the enemy (albeit not on an exclusive basis). Furthermore, it is my belief that Sen. Clinton may have access to weapons of mass destruction. Then again, she herself is a weapon of mass destruction.
1. On behalf of several members of the TCU community, I would like to express my shock and disappointment at some of Ms. FreeDWM's disruptive shenanigans. Let me cut to the chase: Over the past several weeks, I've frequently written about how Ms. FreeDWM easily impresses her mindless lackeys by using big, forensic-legalese words like "mitochondrial". She is the most vicious sewer rat I've ever seen. You see, there's something undeniably fishy about Ms. FreeDWM's obsession with a convicted, crackheaded murderer who's not even related to her, and is easily half her age; there's something that's not only fishy, but borderline psychotic as well. I think she's up to something - something reprehensive and, more troubling, even irreligious. Because of the aforemention, as well as the fact that she is so caught-up in trying to create an intimidating, hostile, and demeaning environment on our Godly message board, Ms. FreeDWM has been selected as the Number One Grotesque Slubberdegullion of 2006.
[Minor edits to remove Ezboard-inflicted noise within Dr. Fennel's profound prose. - Ed.]