Fennel's Top-Ten Grotesque Slubberdegullions of 2008
10. If Vice-Presiden-Elect Joseph R. Biden sincerely believes that clever one-liners are a valid substitute for actual thinking, then he must be smoking something illegal. It should be intuitively obvious even to the most casual observer that when he says things like "The Islamo-Fascists will likely bomb us any day now," whatever boredom and torment that Vice-President-Elect Biden is experiencing internally, is quite evident externally.
9. Cable "news" is classically a hodgepodge of smoke-and-mirrors, crafted for mass appeal, to put it mildly. Thus, we can understand why, amongst the current plague of gloomy, flibbertigibbets, Mr. Keith Olbermann has risen to the top, like some deadly super-virus that devours everything in its path.
8. It almost goes without saying that Mr. Samuel "Joe the Plumber" Wurzelbacher has proven himself to be a bloviated flimflammer. However, on brief, lucid occasions, he does make a valid point. For example, he once declared that Genesee Cream Ale is a superior brew to Budweiser, the alleged "King of Beers." I believe most of us will agree with him on that point.
7. While I cannot judge ex-Mayor Rudolph Giuliani by his wardrobe, his repeated public displays of cross-dressing are quite disturbing. If you doubt this, just ask around. Which is why the former Mayor failed to convince the electorate that he'd keep them safe from ragheaded, Islamo-Fascists, for if America wanted its leader to wear a dress, it would have selected Hillary Clinton (but even she favors pantsuits to the ex-Mayor's preference for frilly sundresses).
6. Gov. Mrs. Sarah Palin has somehow convinced herself that she is fully equipped to one day become the Commander-in-Chief of our beloved nation. Her belief is controverted, however, by the weight of the evidence indicating that Gov. Mrs. Palin is deliberately trying to subjugate God's Own Party into her own image, and it's not a pretty sight, for she is not just another booze-addled, Xanax-popping, reefer-toking mother-of-five that you might be unlucky enough to encounter at the Wasilla Wal-Mart. No, Dear Friends, I'm afraid that she's much worse than that. For even though her consistent, unvarying line has been that she is a bearer and agent of the Creator's purpose, she is, in fact a follower of the demonic art of Black Magic.
5. A dozen or so years ago, they laughed at my seemingly preposterous proposition that Mr. Orenthal J. Simpson be elected governor of Illinois. Had they considered, and then acted upon my astute advice, Mr. Simpson would now be approximately 8 years into a well-deserved life sentence at the Joliet State Correction Facility. But it took the State of Nevada (with a citizenry that harbors an evil predilection towards damnable gambling, as well as a depraved affection for despicable houses of ill repute) to step forward and show the moral balls, so to speak, that put this demented bloodsucker where he's always belonged.
4. I, for one, am sick and tired of Ms. Oprah Winfrey's malevolent power over the hearts and minds of Americans. America reads what Ms. Winfrey reads; they derive "spiritual enlightment" from the same apocryphal cults that Ms. Winfrey advocates; they vote for whomever Ms. Winfrey decrees worthy. Now, government studies have shown that America is starting to eat like Ms. Winfrey. One shudders to think where this might lead, which is why Oprah-mania must cease, post-haste.
3. Sen. John McCain's deer-in-the-headlights expression failed to lend credibility to his quixoticly absurd bid for the White House, as did his lumpy pasty-white, cadaverous countenance. Of course, selecting the dimwitted, bimbo-esque Gov. Mrs. Sarah Palin as his running mate was just another example of Sen. McCain discounting important principles in favor of blatant media opportunism, which only goes to prove that the Senator's campaign motto, "Country First," was nothing more than a Madison Avenue catch-phrase.
2. You're no doubt aware that obstinate duplicity, laced with sniffish arrogance (not to mention those Little Blue Pills) were the key elements that contributed to the downfall of Gov. Eliot Spitzer. Nevertheless, one can only speculate as to why high-powered government officials (such as ex-Gov. Spitzer) prefer to engage with low-brow slatterns when pursuing irreligious, extramarital affairs. Which brings to mind ex-President Bill Clinton, and the harlotous Monica Lewinsky (Numbers 1 and 4, respectively, "Fennel's Top-10 Grotesque Slubberdegullions of 1998").
1. With a name like "Milorad 'Rod' Blogojevich," is anyone surprised by the Ilinois Governor's malodorous modus operandi? Furthermore, his hissy-fittish revolts against those who have dared challenge his admiration of Al Capone, his foul-mouthed wife, his love for the Chicago bears, or his preposterous pompadour, have earned him few friends. That having been said, may I state unequivocally that Gov. Blogojevich is revolting all right; the very sight of him turns my stomach.