9. It is the height of arrogance and untruthfulness for Sen. Harry Reid to imply that he has his moral compass in tact, when in fact he is a follower of the Satanic Book of Mormon. But I digress. He has -- not once, but several times -- had the opportunity to paralyze any serious or firm so-called "reform" (i.e., redistribution of wealth) legislation that, if passed by power-hungry Obamaists, would cripple America's Godly health insurance industry. Instead, his skittish non-approach and milqtoastish persona makes even wrong-headed, socialist do-gooders shake their collective, pea-brained heads in disbelief.
8. As long as there is breath in my earthly body, I assure you I will do whatever it takes to refute, debase and/or make a mockery Mr. Roman Polanski's deviant Hollywood values. In case you haven't figured it out by now, Mr. Polanski makes my blood curdle. Furthermore, I am quite tired of him always blaming the Manson Family for his ghastly proclivities. In the spirit of fairness, however, I'd like to extend a personal invitation to Mr. Polanski's legal counsel: If you care to respond to what I wrote, please do, especially if you think that I am being inaccurate or unfair. I do not wish to misrepresent your client in any way whatsoever.
7. It's time to tell the truth about President Barack H. Obama and his friends in the Democrat-controlled congress: While some right-thinking Americans believe that one day, President Obama will turn our beloved, Capitalist nation into a cesspool of Marxist socialism, there are those of us who still have faith in the power of our friends over on K Street -- especially when one considers that, over the past month, under the darkening gloom of the so-called Obamacare, my stock portfolio of health insurance industry issuances have skyrocket. Unfortunately, some of my Neanderthalish colleagues flatly refuse to consider my point of view -- bombarding Yours Truly with stinging invective. So, as a good-faith attempt to appease these soporific lemmings and their foolhardy, gormless contrivances, I have included the President on my infamous, annual list.
6. It will definitely surprise some people to hear me say this, but Gov. Mark Sanford's gullible alibis are worse than the Governor himself. I like to think I'm a reasonable person, but we just can't have besotted, adulterous, jet-setting philanderers in positions of power (especially in the Bible Belt). I don't believe that anyone would disagree with my assertion that it's high-time we removed Gov. Sanford and his lascivious ilk from our Godly nation's Statehouses, for they are an abomination before Jesus.
5. House Speakeress Nancy Pelosi should be labeled like a pack of cigarettes. I'm thinking of something along the lines of, "Warning! It has been determined that Speakeress Pelosi's legislative zingers are intended to fleece the American taxpayers out of their life's savings." Speakeress Pelosi promises us that if we put full faith in the U.S. Government, it will guard us from truculent enemies. My question, however is, Quis custodiet ipsos gubernationis? I'm not expecting an answer from her any time soon.
4. It should be obvious to even the lowliest snodgroveler that Ex-Gov. Mrs. Sarah Palin's real reason for quitting the Alaskan governorship (to the sighs of relief from her constituents) had nothing to do with caring for Baby Trig, keeping an eye on her sluttonous daughter, or whipping up a batch of polar bear stew. In fact, my unnamed sources in Fairbanks report via teletype that Ex-Gov. Mrs. Palin is engaged in a secret mission to destroy God's Own Party by attracting the lowest form of beer-swilling knuckleheads you've ever seen. You may ask yourself, Dear Reader, "Cui bono?" Who benefits? The answer will astound you. All I can say is, Ex-Gov. Mrs. Palin should be ashamed!
3. The really damnable thing about the Tiger Woods scandal is not that fact that Mr. Tiger Woods engaged in adulterous acts with buxom floozies -- especially when one considers his prime benefactor's advertising motto: "Just do it." The real damage occurred long ago, when Mr. Woods's handlers hatched the faux persona of model husband and father -- a hucksterish device used rake in millions of dollars from innocent, unsuspecting corporate sponsors, while at the same time degrading men in general -- causing their wives to lament "Why can't you be more like Tiger?" Why, indeed?
2. Pity those who still suffer the effects of Bernard Madoff-induced financial disaster. Of course, if they hadn't all insisted on remaining as ignorant and uniformed as Mr. Kevin Bacon, they may not have gotten themselves into such a pickle. But this is America, and we have a love affair with the pickle. That having been said, this is not to say that Mr. Madoff was a tyrannical malingerer who'd stop at absolutely nothing to protect his personal fortune and lavish lifestyle. Rather, I merely seek to point out that when you steal from sharks, the seemingly calm waters will eventually roil with audits, accusations, arrest and incarceration. You see, Dear Friends, rather than merely sip from the Fountain of Greed, Mr. Madoff took gargantuan gulps; if only the poor chap hadn't choked on it.
1. Young, randy mooslimists, like crotch-bomber Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, are suckers for Al-Quaeda's rallying chants, terrorist shenanigans, and other behavioral maladjustments, because said lads are prohibited from engaging in flirtatious interaction with members of the opposite sex, which is why it should be clear to any right-thinking person that Mr. Abdulmutallab's primary objective was the promise of heavenly, carnal relations with the proverbial 72 Virgins. Ironically, he blew off his gonads instead.